Surround the computer room with rattlesnakes and vipers

---Or simply dig a moat and import the Loch Ness Monster to keep data secure. 

Set up a firewall. There's gotta be firewood around somewhere

Equip all laptops with explosives that detonate if users don't check in every five minutes

 ---How about a small electrical shock on all workstations, if a user does something insecure they get a progressively more painful shock

Cover the computer room floor with oil and marbles

Open source all students' Social Security numbers; that way they can't be stolen

Hire Hells Angels to guard the computer room

Use reverse psychology: If you offer thieves the data, they won't want it

Have students DDoS the network every day so attackers can't access critical files

Have all student records entered in Pig Latin

Preemptively file a class-action lawsuit against the college for future data breaches

Write critical data on staff bodies and never shower

--I have a tattoo gun. I'm not afraid to use it...on someone else.